Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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