Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
