just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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