The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
