its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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