I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
