Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
