Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
