google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
