I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
