Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
