When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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