theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
