I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
