Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
