I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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