I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my being single is dangerous.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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