I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
