My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
