Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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