JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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