I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize