it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
