in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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