Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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