i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
