In the future we'll all be gay
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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