I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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