You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
