Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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