addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
