I accidentally had phone sex last night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We left the knife in your bed.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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