I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
