dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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