I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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