She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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