Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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