I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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