My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize