I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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