We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
