Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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