Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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