enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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