trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
