I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
