I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
