Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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