Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
