I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
