Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
