He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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