That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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