I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
