Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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