What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
