So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
