I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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