i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
