Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize