I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
